2006-04-3-B'not MItzvah

By Donald H. Harrison

CARDIFF BY THE SEA, Calif.—There will be quite a contrast between the b'not mitzvah ceremony attended yesterday by Jackie Tolley at Temple Solel in this San Diego County coastal suburb, and one that she plans to attend next Saturday at the former Temple Beth Israel, a preserved Victorian structure that the county government maintains in Old Town San Diego as a charming meeting place.

Not only the venues are different—the former one-room synagogue which came into service of the San Diego Jewish community in 1889 versus the multi-building campus that Temple Solel dedicated last year—but also the circumstances surrounding the two b'not mitzvah ceremonies.

Twins Lauren Silverman Lantry and Elana Silverman Lantry, who divided the chanting of Parshat Shemini (Leviticus 9:1-11:47) and delivered speeches on different aspects of that Torah portion yesterday, became daughters of the commandment at the age when their childhoods end and their adolescent years begin.

When Erica Luster and Allison Singer lead services for family members, friends and fellow members of Hillel at the former Temple Beth Israel next week, they will be participating as college students in an adult b'not mitzvah ceremony.

Tolley, director of Hillel at San Diego State University, helped Singer and Luster prepare for the upcoming service—even as over the last 18

Twins Elana (left) and Lauren Silverman Lantry share a
happy moment with parents Lisa Silverman and Jim Lantry
and brother Devon at bnot mitzvah reception April 22.

years she has helped more than 50 other college students formalize their commitments to the Jewish people.

After watching Elana and Lauren chant confidently from the Torah and hearing their thoughtful discussions of the portion, Tolley commented that by the time the twins get to college, they will be able to pursue Jewish studies at a far more advanced level than some of the college students she has prepared for bar and bat mitzvah over the years. But, no matter at what level one starts, there is always more to learn; the intriguing parta of Jewish learning are the discoveries still awaiting you.

I couldn't help but reflect on the truth of this. Although I had attended the dedication ofTemple Solel's new sanctuary last year; it was the first time I had attended a Saturday morning Shabbat service here, and I was surprised and intrigued to learn that the entire congregation has developed a ritual of putting on their tallisim simultaneously.

Rabbi David Frank commented that over the centuries, Judaism has had many rituals such as the ancient ones described in that week's Torah portion, and modern ones such as are utilized at his Reform congregation today. This prompted me to reflect that the bat mitzvah itself is a relatively recent innovation in Jewish worship; there was a time when the ceremony was reserved to males. Cantor Kathy Robbins, accompanying herself on guitar, helps make certain that Shabbat services are joyful, and again I reflected how relatively recent it was in Jewish history that women were ordained as members of the clergy.

The Shemini portion begins with God striking down Aaron's two sons, Nadab and Abihu, for bringing unwanted fire into His sanctuary—"alien fire" that Lauren suggested might be akin to substituting materialistic things for things which are holy. She inveighed against setting one's heart on having a big car, or fancy clothes, when one might instead be of service to other people. Later, the portion describes the laws of kashrut—what animals are permissible to eat, and which are not. In her discussion of this, Elana recalled that the Hebrews were a desert people and suggested that God realized that it made no sense at all for a nomad to eat a camel, and then be left in the desert with a full belly and no where to go!

In their speeches, the twins both paid tribute to their parents, Jim Lantry and Lisa Silverman, for their devotion to the concept of tikkun olam. They pointed out that their mother, Lisa, volunteers as a poll worker every election, while their father is a mainstay volunteer at the Interfaith Shelter project in which Temple Solel participates each winter with churches of various Christian denominations to provide homeless people with food and places to stay.

At a reception in Temple Solel's social hall following the service, Tolley's husband, Mark I. Berger, commented that Jim Lantry also donates countless hours of his governmental affairs practice advocating for Partnerships With Industry, a group that finds jobs for people with mental disabilities. Berger is the organization's president and chief executive officer.

Describing the b'nai mitzvah program that she runs for male and female students at San Diego State, Tolley said many of the students with whom she works do not start with knowledge of the Hebrew alphabet, much less how to read a Torah portion as beautifully as Lauren and Elana did. Mark I. Berger and Jackie Tolley

Classes meeting in 90-minute sessions each week commence each year after the High Holiday. According to Tolley, the students often predict that "'there is no way that we are going to read from the Torah by May' and I say 'yes, you will; I know from experience that you will.'

"When they get frustrated along the way, they will say things like 'this is really hard,' and I will say, 'well, it is a foreign language' and they will say, 'well, I have been to my cousins' bar mitzvahs, or bat mitzvahs, and they make it look so easy.' And I say, 'it is a different thing when you start as a child and you go to Sunday school or Hebrew school for a number of years. Look at what you are doing, you are making a commitment to do a lot in a short period of time! You have to have patience with yourself and be proud of what you do, and also see that this is really a beginning.'"

Nodding over to Lauren and Elana, who were participating with friends in an arts and crafts project to make interesting hats to be given to patients at the local Children's Hospital, Tolley continued: "I look at the girls here and it is just beautiful to see, thinking about where they are going to be when they get to college... The way these girls today talked about involvement in tikkun olam and community service— for them to know that at their age—oh, gee, the sky is the limit. It is very cool. They are great!"

Unlike Lauren and Elana, the students whom Tolley coaches for bar and bat mitzvah either did not have the opportunity to study, or resisted their parents' entreaties that they do so. "But like everything else, when college students come to campus they are looking how to find themselves in lots of different ways," Tolley commented.

In the cases of the young women who will become b'not mitzvah next week, Allison Singer participated last year in Operation Birthright—the program in which Jewish college students go on a free trip to Israel—and that experience prompted her to decide to deepen her understanding of Judaism by studying with Tolley. For Erica Luster, the sequence was just the opposite. Studying for bat mitzvah prompted an interest in seeing Israel for herself. Luster will be among a group of 10 SDSU students who will depart with Tolley for Israel on May 21.

"Students are trying to figure out how Judaism fits into their life. 'Am I going to do it like my parents did or am I going to do it differently?' ... This is one of the things that I say over and over to the students: 'This class is to make you more Jewishly literate, but is is also to give you an idea what the possibilities are. You will have to decide for yourself because now you are adults. You can do it (practice Judaism) like your parents did it , you can do it differently. However you want to do it, it is up to you, but you have to have a basis of knowledge to be able to ask the questions and to know where to look for the answers."

Over the years about 75-80 percent of Tolley's students have been young women, perhaps a reflection of the fact that some families put less emphasis on providing Jewish educations to their daughters than to their sons. Some female students have told Tolley that whereas their parents insisted that their brothers have a bar mitzvah, for them the ceremony was optional.

The program has generated its share of sentimental moments for Tolley, who herself participated in an adult b'not mitzvah ceremony with a chavurah formed by the Women's Institute for Continuing Jewish Learning.

When the Hillel students lead the adult b'nai or b'not mitzvah ceremonies, "there is always a moment when you will see a parent or a grandparent sitting there with the tears rolling down their face, saying they never thought they would see this day and how proud they are of the students," Tolley said.

One of her bar mitzvah students and one of her bat mitzvah students later decided to have another ceremony together—their wedding! Tolley said. "I even got to sign the ketubah!"

As the reception continued, and Lauren's and Elana's friends ran from table to table on a scavenger hunt, asking guests such questions as "Do you have any car keys?"; "Can I borrow your tie?"; "Does anyone have a $100 bill in their wallet?" and returning each item the next round of the game—Tolley's husband, Mark Berger, enthusiastically endorsed the Hillel adult b'nai mitzvah program that his wife leads:

"I think it is very special because there are kids who sometimes come from a marginalized background Jewishly. They come to Hillel, they find a way to connect with the Jewish community, and they are looking for the next step— to be able to say that they are committed to the Jewish community in some fashion. The bar and bat mitzvah ceremony gives them that in a different way.

"I remember that there are some who had a bar/ bat mizvah at 13, and they said it was utterly meaningless. Their parents had insisted that they do it, but they come back at 19, 20, or 21, and they say, 'I want to do this because this really says who I am now, and that is special today.'"

Glossary: bar mitzvah—son of the commandment; b'nai mitzvah—children of the commandment; bat mitzvah—daughter of the commandment; b'not mitzvah—daughters of the commandment; ketubah- wedding contract.